Red vs Blue: The Vandread Chronicles
by drew829
Summary: DISCONTINUED The RvB crew get blast to another thousand years and meet up with the Vandread cast. Please R
1. EP 0

**Hello everybody, I'm drew829, the author of this here fic. I've been a big RvB fan since season 2 and Vandread is one of my favorite anime, so I figure I put the two together. Before I begin the story, I'm going to read the disclaimer. (take a piece of paper of his pocket and clears throat) _This story is a crossover of Red vs. Blue and Vandread and I don't own them. Red vs. Blue is owned by Rooster Teeth Productions and Vandread is owned by Gonzo. Also I would like to state out that no women got offended or laid by Tucker during the making of this fic._ Now sit back, relax and enjoy the story.**

Insert Blood Gulch Blues (Bloody Mix)

_FanFiction dot net, MediaMiner dot org__ and Vandread Librar__y  
Presents_

Reds

**_Roses are red,_**

Sarge

**_and violets are blue._**

_**One day we'll cruise **_

Grif

**_down Blood Gulch Avenue._**

_**It's red versus red**_

Simmons

_**And blue versus blue**_

_**It's I against I**_

Donut

_**And me against you**_

_**Violets are blue,**_

Blue

**_Roses are red_**

Tucker

**_Living like this we were_**

Church

_**already dead**_

Tex

Caboose

_**Hop in my car**_

_**It don't have any doors**_

Sheila

Lopez

_**It's built like a cat**_

_**It lands on fours**_

Doc

O'Malley

_**My car's like a puma**_

Vic

_**It drives on all fours**_

_Red vs. Blue_

_The Vandread Chronicles_

**Episode 0: Prologue - The Big Bang**

Inside a box-canyon called Blood Gulch, the most weird but funniest thing just had happen. A soldier in pink armor was running towards a base wanting to a baby of some kind but as he was running, a ship came out of nowhere and landed right on top of him. Two other soldiers, in red and orange armor, were standing next to the ship looking at it…and nothing else.

"Wow. It sucks to be Donut right now." the orange soldier said.

"Shut up Grif! Donut, can you hear our?" the red one said in a gruff, southern voice.

"Yes Sarge I can…somehow." Donut answered, despite still being under the ship.

"Good. Now can you move out from under the ship?"

"Uh…no, I'm stuck."

"Ah hell, Grif start moving the ship."

"How?" Grif asked.

"What do you mean how? By pushing it so we can get Donut."

"Uh incase you haven't notice, a ship this size weight a hundred ton. I don't think I push that much."

"Quit complaining dirtbag and get your lazy-ass to work!"

Just as soon Sarge finished speaking, another soldier walked out of the ship. His armor was maroon and was carrying a SMG and a piece of paper. He walked up to Sarge and Grif.

"Hey Sarge, I think I found out why the ship crashed on Donut." The new soldier said.

"What was it Simmons?" Sarge asked.

"Well, after looking inside the ship, I believed the person that was piloting killed himself." Simmons replied.

"What make you think that?" Grif said. Simmons then hands Grif the paper he has and Grif started to read it. "'This is last letter I am ever going to write. In this hell hole called life, I learned one thing about everybody I have known. They are all total cockbites. Signed…the Pilot.' The Pilot? Why the hell didn't he just put his real name on the letter!"

Meanwhile over at the base near the crashed ship, another group of soldier along with a bomb was standing around what look like a mini version of the elite from Halo 2. The soldiers' colors were cobalt, teal, blue and purple. They were staring at the small alien for the last ten minutes.

"What, the fuck, is this thing?" the cobalt soldier said.

"I told you on the radio, this Tucker's gross baby. Tucker's gross baby, this is Church. He is the mean one." The blue soldier told the alien.

"Blarg!" the baby elite cried out.

"I already know that Caboose! I meant where did this thing come from?" Church yelled in an angry tone.

"Didn't I tell you? Tucker was pregnant and gave birth to this…thing." The purple soldier said.

"He was not pregnant!"

"Do I have to explain the little green light thing again?"

"Doc, they're the same goddamn color!"

Unaware to the blues, the reds had stink inside the base and all had their weapons pointed to their backs.

"Hold it right there, blues!" Sarge yelled out. All the blues and Doc turned around and saw the reds armed and ready.

"How the hell did you get in! More important, how the hell did you get past our defenses!" Church said.

"You mean your tank? We just tolled it that we'll upgrade its hardware." Grif said.

"Now give us your-" Simmons stop mid-sentences as he saw the elite baby biting on Caboose's lag. "What the fuck is that!"

Church just stared at it and then turns his head back to Simmons.

"You don't want to know."

"This is Tucker's new baby." Doc said. All the reds reaction was '…'

"It's not mine." Tucker said (the teal one).

"Shut up Tucker! Andy, this is your fault!" Church said.

"Me? How it's my fault?" the bomb said.

"Because you should've told us that this could happen before you left with Tucker and Caboose on their stupid quest."

"Ah shut up ya Shisno."

Back at the crash ship, Donut somehow manages to claw out from under the ship. The pink lightish red soldier had got unstuck and started to dig a hole to get out in amazing time.

"Man, I can't believe I got out of there. I'm glad I got on that diet. Now, where is everybody?" Just as Donut finish taking, he started to hear a beeping sound coming form inside the ship. Being a curious guy, he walked into the ship to fine out what it was. When he got to the cockpit, he found a man in the pilot seat lying against the control panel with blood coming out of his head. "Oh carp someone got shot! Don't worry, I'll save you!"

Donut then picked the man up and laid him on the floor. He then started to perform CPR on him in an effort to save the pilot's life. After about a minute, the pilot coughs and got up with Donut's help.

"Oh my god, you save my life! Thank you." The man said.

"Oh it was nothing. I came in here to fine out where that beeping coming from and I found you shot."

"Yeah, my co-pilot went nuts and shot me, put a fake suicide note next to me and jump out of the plane."

"What's your name?"

"The Pilot."

"…That's a weird name."

"Yeah, I think my parents were high when they named me."

"Or the author was too lazy to give you a name."

"That too. You can call me Earl."

"My name is Donut."

"Thank you Donut. Now, did your sergeant ordered a-" Earl stopped speaking as he also started to hear the beeping sound that was coming from inside the cockpit. "What is that sound?" They both walked back to the cockpit and look at part of the control panel that was labeled 'Mega Super-duper self destroy sequence' with just under a minute left on the timer.

"OH SHIT! The ship is about to blow!" Donut yelled.

"Where's the nearest base?" Earl asked.

"The Blue's. Why?"

"We have to warn them!"

"What? What about my team?

"It's too late for them; we have to warn the others."

Donut and Earl then ran out of the ship and towards blue base before the ship blows up. Meanwhile, back at blue base…

"Ok, we'll let you have Doc so he can take a look at Donut while you give us your shotgun." Church said to Sarge.

"Unless hell freezes over, there's no way I'm going to give you my favorite thing about my team…no offence Simmons." Sarge said.

"Non taking Sir." Simmons replied.

"Finally kissing Sarge's ass again Simmons?" Grif said in sarcasm.

"Also we'll give this…thing so you can use it on Grif." Church said about the alien.

"What!"

"Deal." Sarge agreed. He then swapped the shotgun for Doc and the alien. Church then started to look at his new pleased by the deal he just made.

'_I hope I get better accuratcy with this thing then I did with that stupid sniper rifle_." Church thought.

"Are you gonna let them take you baby, Tucker?" Doc asked.

"They can have it, I don't care." Tucker replied.

"You know, I hear the women are attracted to guys with kids."

"Doc, don't encourage him." Church said.

Just then, Donut and Earl came into the room both out of breath.

"Sarge!" Donut shouted, still short of breath.

"Donut, you ok. Give me back my shotgun, blue!" Sarge said.

"Aw hell." Church said disappointed. He then gave the shotgun back to Sarge to break off the deal they just made.

"Hey, aren't you the dead pilot?" Simmons said surprised to see Earl was not dead."

"Yes I am but that's not important right now." Earl said.

"He's right…" Donut said. "The ship is about to-"

BOOM!

**Well that was the intro for the story. I'll put the first chapter of the story sometime within the next 2 to 3 weeks. Until then, please leave a review.**


	2. EP 1a

**Sorry for the chapter took so long but I do a lot of stuff besides writing, including online racing. I got 11 reviews (I post the story at MediaMiner dot org by the penname Chupathingy also) but got a lot of hits. But one reviewer had to be a total cockbite and said the story sucks then told me to stop writing it. The only thing I hate more then terrorists are people that do short reviews that just bash the story. I'm one of those people that only accept ****constructive criticism in the reviews I get. If there are any problems in the story, I like people to point it out and give me suggestions to fix the story and make it better. I would've let this slide if that one reviewer did that instead of saying 'you're story sucks, stop writing.' He also assumed that I only watch the last episode of season 4. I'll tell you this, I've been a Red vs. Blue fan since season 2 and have all the seasons on DVD. Also, ****I'm having trouble writing the end of Ep 1. So I'm posting the first part so I can come up with the second part and keep the story up to date every 2-4 weeks. **

**PS- Sister will be in the story but won't show up in next few chapters.  
**

**Legends**  
'_Thoughts_'  
"Radio talk"

**Episode 1: The Autrix and Female Pirates**

"Hey, aren't you the dead pilot?" Simmons said surprised to see Earl was not dead.

"Yes I am but that's not important right now." Earl said.

"He's right…" Donut said. "The ship is about to-"

**KABOOM!**

The ship explosion was so huge; it engulfed the whole canyon and everyone in it. When it was all over, the only thing left was the two bases, the Warthog and Donut's purple motorcycle thing. Shortly after, an annoying voice was heard over the radio and was trying to contact the soldiers that were once there.

"Hello. Hello. Can you hear me? Hello. Come in dudes, do you read me? Hello…"

------------------------------------

Tucker, Doc, Caboose, Andy and the little alien had just waked up from the explosion which knocked them out. When they did, they saw that they were not in the base but a room they never seen before. It was nothing special, it was a room painted white with black tiles on the floor. They were also trying to figure out where the hell they are.

"Where the hell are we?!"

Told you so…

"I think I know, Tucker." Caboose said.

"Really?"

"No."

"Blarg honk!"

"He said he knows where we are." Andy said.

"How does the baby knows? He's been alive for only half an hour." Doc asked.

"Blarg."

"He said the memory of his parent was passed down to him." Andy replied.

"What? I don't remember this place!" Tucker said.

"He meant the first alien ya idiot."

"Oh right."

"Anyways, he said we're in the Autrix."

"The Au-what?" the confused Caboose said.

"The Autrix. This is where the author controls everything."

"If this is the Autrix then where the hell is the author." Tucker asked

------------------------------------

The author, Drew829, was having poker night over at his house. He invited SpartanCommander, DuoJagan and Penguin God over.

"Why did you brought you bother here and way does he have a penguin with him" Drew asked.

"Because I'm the Penguin God, that's way." Penguin God replied.

"I know, I mean way is a penguin here?"

"You got something against penguins?!"

"No, I don't. It's just…I'm trying to stay away from them for awhile."

"Why?" Duo asked.

"Well…the other day, my neighbor brought a penguin home and put it by his pool. When I came over to pwned him in Halo 2, it ran right behind me and bit me in the butt."

At that put, everyone tried not to laugh and all had the 'don't laugh' face all over them.

"So…the penguin…bit you…in…the butt?" S.C. said while failing not to laugh.

"You guys go ahead and laugh, I don't care." Drew said in bored tone. Then everybody laughs for like…a minute.

"Ho-kay guys, I'm raising 30." Penguin God said.

"Oh yeah? Well I'm raising 40." Drew replied.

"I'm out." S.C. said.

"Me too." Duo said also.

"Well, Penguin _God_…" Drew said in a way that Ron White would. "It's between you and me."

"Yes it is."

"NOW…do you have any 8s?"

"Go Fish."

"DAMNIT!!!!"

------------------------------------

"Ah never mine I don't want to know." Tucker said.

"Tucker! I found something." Caboose cheerfully said.

"What is it? Naked girls?"

"No, something cooler."

"Oh come on Caboose, there's nothing cooler then naked girls."

"I found the controls."

"I take that back, making naked girls is waaay cooler."

--------------------------------------

Somewhere else, Church and Shelia was inside a huge hanger where they were looking at the mechs that was inside and was amazed…well, Church was.

"Wow! I can't believe that theses really excise. I thought they were seen in video games and animes." Church stated.

"Woop-de do." Shelia said in a very un-excited way.

"We need to have one of these."

"What?"

"Think about it Sheila, we have you, a jeep, and a Ghost. If we have a mech, nothing can stop us. Not even the reds."

"Why did you include your self?"

"What are you taking about?"

"You said that we have a ghost, and that ghost is you."

"First of all, Tex is also a ghost. Second, I was referring to the purple…thing."

"Why call the scooter, the _Ghost_?"

"Because…It, just pop into my head."

"Come on Church, that's like calling the jeep, the Warthog instead of the Puma."

"But the jeep is called the Warthog."

"Your point is?"

"You know what, let's just…drop it."

"Yes, let's drop it…on you"

"What is your problem Shelia?"

Just as Church finish, screams and gun fire were heard outside the hanger and got their intension. Church then walked to a door that leads outside of the hanger. As he arrived at the door, it sided open revealed a hallway where bullets and lasers were flying all over the place. Church then step back and the door slide closed. He then just looks at the door for a few seconds then turns back to Shelia.

"…what…the hell…was that?" Church said in confusion.

"Come in Church. Calling Church. Do you read me? I think you can cause' I can see you…unless you can't see me." A very stupid voice said.

"What the- Caboose, is that you?"

"He can see me!" Caboose said.

"No I can't Caboose."

"Oh no…I've become…invisible!"

"Caboose, you're not invisible. We're in a completely different place then Church." Tucker said.

"That means that the room we're in is invisible to Church!"

"Caboose, shut up. Tucker, where the hell are you guys?" Church said.

"Well, accounting to my 'baby,' we're in the author's center of control."

"Really? How did you- never mine, just tell me where me and Shelia are at."

"Let's see…hm, it says here that the ship the reds called for blew up."

"Yeah, no shit."

"And all of us were supposed to blast another thousand years, inside a space pirate ship called the Nirvana…who the hell names a ship the 'Nirvana?' The commander?"

"Tucker, drop it and keep reading."

"It also says that the ship's crew is mostly……"

"Mostly what Tucker?"

"…"

"Tucker?"

"…we have to get on that ship."

"What?"

"I wasn't taking to you; I was taking to Doc. We have to get on board the ship!"

"Um, what Tucker was saying is that most of the ship's crew are females." Doc kindly answered to Church.

"………why does that not surprise me?"

"There's something you should also know."

"What?"

"The Reds are attacking the ship……from the inside."

"Wait, the Reds are attacking the people on the ship?"

"Yeah, I don't know why they do such horrible things like that. Nobody on the ship did anything mean to them."

"Or maybe some of the crew was wearing blue and the reds starting shooting and all hell broke loose."

"…yeah…that could be it."

"Okay, Doc, you and the others keep an eye on the Reds. Meanwhile, me and Shelia are going to come up with a plan to stop them."

"Alright, we'll call you when anything comes up." Doc said before the connection (if there were ever was one) between them was shut off. Church then started taking to Shelia about how to stop the Reds.

"Umm…what should we do?" Church asked.

"Why are you asking me?" Shelia said.

"Because…well, I was thinking we could brainstorm some ideas."

"Ok, I think I got one."

"Alright, lets here it."

"Maybe you should trick the Reds to coming in here and when they do, I shoot them with my cannon."

"That would be a good idea if we were on the ground, not in a middle of deep space."

"I see your point."

"Alright, how about this, I'll go out there and lure them in here. Then you point your cannon at them but don't shoot at them, we don't to damage the ship."

"Okay."

"Then I'll grab their shotgun from them and treat them to get them to do what we what."

"That sounds like a good plan but I have a question."

"What is it?"

"Are you taking about the reds or the group of people that's behind you and been listen to you the whole time?"

"What?"

Church then turn around and sees a large group of women standing with them. Church at that point started to have an 'ah crap' look on his face. They couldn't see it because of Church's helmet.

--------------------------------------

Back at the Autrix…

"Mr. Anderson, surprise to see me?" Agent Smith said.

I said the Autrix, not the Matrix.

"I know kong-fu." Neo said.

GODDAMN IT! THE AUTRIX, THE AUTRIX!!!!!

--------------------------------------

Tucker was mesmerized by the large group of women that now surround Church. But do not worry; he was already coming up with a plan to save his friend from certain doom.

"Holy crap! Those girls are HOOOOOOTTTT."

Or not.

"Um, I think we need to turn this off now." Doc said.

"Why?"

"Because a child brain can't process this and will be confuse of what he's seeing."

"Hey, I want my kid to see this so he'll be a pimp and know which girls are hot and not."

"Blarg!"

"He agrees…and so do I." Andy said.

"I'm not worry about the alien, it's Caboose." Doc said. They all turn around and see Caboose just staring at the girls' breast that was displayed on the screen.

"What are those things sticking out of those girls?" Caboose confusedly asked.

"Oh god…" Tucker said and then tried tell Caboose what they were. "Caboose, listen to me, those are…"

"Oh no…they must be weapons. We much warn Church!"

"Caboose, they're not weapons."

"They're not?"

"No, they're…"

"Tumors? Oh no, those poor people. Doc, you have to cure them."

"I got something that can cure them, bow chicka **bow wow**." Tucker pervertly said.

That's Tucker for ya. He's a god to all perverts and a pig to all women.

"Uh Caboose, those aren't tumors, they're breast. It's part of the women body." Doc told Caboose.

"They're calling tumors breast now!"

**That the end of EP1, Part 1. I'll post part 2 as quickly as I can. Later and give me c****onstructive reviews and don't be a total jackass like XxXlucky7.**


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